Things I Will Teach My Daughter

I've read a few articles, stories, lists from random strangers via Huffington Post on Facebook on their lists of what they would or wouldn't teach their daughters and while I read them in jest, agreeing on some and not the other I hesitate to click "Share" because not all of what they list would be on mine and/or they are missing things I value so I thought... "Why not make my own list?" So here it is.

1. Your great grandfather always told me "If you have a nice smile, you can pretty much get away with anything" (For the record, this will not work with me or your father.. me definitely, your father perhaps on occasion).

2. Throughout life you will meet people and make friends that will last a lifetime. Keep them near and dear to your heart. Friendship is about quality, not quantity.

3. Learn how to cook. Not for anyone else but for you. Don't eat garbage processed fast food, you will endure a lifetime of your mother going on about this. I apologize in advance.

4. If you wear high heels, wear them well. By that I mean, learn how to walk properly in them. If you can't, you can't. Don't force what isn't meant to be.

5. Your father and I will always support you and love you and we don't care who you end up loving in your future (gender wise), we care that they treat you with dignity, love and respect (or we will hunt them down).

6. Always help others, especially those who cannot pay you back.

7. We think you are perfect and amazing. That doesn't mean everyone else does.

8. Your father and I will always give you what we can and support you but that doesn't mean you don't have to work for success and your own happiness. No one will make you happy in life, except you. You have the key to your future, not us. No one is to blame for your failures in life (it will happen, sorry) except you. Sometimes that is how we learn. Don't complain about things you can change either. It drives me nuts when people do it, I'll probably go even more crazy if you do that too.

9. Work hard. I mean it. Work hard, then play hard.

10. Look people in the eye when you talk to them. It's not just a Deaf Culture thing (which you will know what I mean as you grow) but it's a courtesy thing and people either respect it or are intimidated by it. Either way, that's not your problem.

11. Be a nice person. Nothing makes a person uglier, regardless of how beautiful they are on the outside, than a nasty attitude. You are special to us of course, but you are not Queen of the Universe, so don't go there.

12. If you make a mistake, own it. It happens. We make mistakes, life doesn't end. Learn, move on or the initial mistake was a waste of your time.

13. Be passionate about something. Art? Roller Derby? Music? Horses? Something. Find something you love and immerse yourself in it (so long as it is something healthy that won't worry us)   :)

14. Equality. Fight for it. There's a reason your parents are Liberals and proud of it. I'm more outspoken and open about it than your Father but every person on this planet deserves a fair platform and chance at life. No one is better than the other regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religion or disability/ability. No one. Fight for what is right. Don't be afraid to use your voice to fight for what is right either... even if you are standing alone.

15. On that note, don't let anyone push you around... and I mean no one.

16. However... respect Authority. Just behave please. Follow the rules, but know the parameters and boundaries of the rules. If something doesn't seem right, ask for help.

17. Sleep and hydration are the best beauty tips ever.

18. Go dancing with your friends. (Just be safe).

19. Dress for comfort and style (and in your size), not to impress anyone.

20. Speaking of size. Being a size 2 your whole life isn't an attainable goal unless you are genetically that way. Chances are you wont be (look at us). Be healthy. If that means you are a size 10, 12 ... then so be it. The world can be cruel when it comes to a woman s size. It'll take time for you to be comfortable in your own skin, hopefully that will happen to you much sooner than it did for me. We can talk about that at a later time.

21. One day you will be a woman. Be proud of that. Be independent. Be fierce.

22. Laugh. It soothes the soul and makes life brighter. Your parents are smart asses. Chances are, and hopefully you will be too. I cannot wait to laugh with you, at you and for you to do the same to us.

23. Like things or dislike things because YOU do. Not because of a romantic interest or what is "cool" or "not cool".

24. Form an opinion based on your life experience, research and what you feel is in your gut... again, not based on the opinions of others, I don't care how cute they are.

25. Always fight and stick up for family. Always. Friends come and go (the best stay) but family is always family and comes first. Even if they drive you crazy. Family. Is. First.

26. Your grandmother Courcy makes the best meatballs (and sauce for that matter). I will try my best to learn her recipe.

27. It's ok to not be perfect, so long as you give it your all. In any endeavor.

28. I will always use sign language with you, like it or not and I expect you to be able to converse with your Grandma Pilchen. I'm not your interpreter. Your father cannot be your interpreter. Remember that thing about Family? You have a Deaf family member and since Grandma has and will be around for some time, you have to learn to communicate with her. This is not negotiable.  I will one day explain to you why this is so incredibly important to me.

29. I don't care what the circumstances are, you can always always call your father and/or I for help. In the event we may want to kill you (not literally) for whatever reason, please know that first and foremost we will always help you and always want you to be safe.

30. Growing up is tough. Kids are cruel. You have the right to defend yourself but know you can always lean on us and your family.

31. It's ok to get dirty. Sometimes those are the best moments. Life isn't always glamorous, so why try to look it all the time.

32. Find GOOD people to be around. Not just people who say they are good, but GOOD people with good hearts. Toxic people have no place in your life and will do nothing but bring your drama and attempt to bring you down with them.

33. With #32... don't be afraid to walk away from those who hurt you. You don't owe anyone anything.

34. Self Care. Take time off to think. Eat Ice Cream if it'll make you feel better. Go for a walk. Take a break. Take a time out for yourself when you need to.

35. Everything in moderation. Sadly, even the ice cream.

36. Get physical. No, I mean exercise and move. It's good for your mind, body and soul. Even a simple walk does wonders. We are not asking you to be a body builder (unless that's a goal you have and we will talk about that), just be healthy and take care of your body. It's the only one you get in life.

37. Please don't smoke. Nothing good comes from it. Just never start.

38. There's a couple dishes you should master. Roasting a chicken, making risotto, coq au vin among other things. I will teach you. You will thank me later in life.

39.  FORGIVE (this is from your Father) but don't forget (from your mother).

40. If you go on a date and someone buys you dinner and drinks (if you are legal), you still owe them nothing.

41. Learn how to properly apply make up, if you choose to wear any. Sometimes the best arsenal you can have is great mascara and a good lip gloss.

42. Read books. We'll read with you.

43. Have an open mind. Just because you see something one way doesn't mean a different perspective is wrong. Try to understand it or at least open your mind to it.

44. Have manners. Please, thank you. Hold doors open for people.

45. Tip well. You are going to be broke until you have your own job, I get that. However as an adult there is zero excuse for lousy tipping. If you frequent a place, then tipping well is even more essential. In the event you have really bad service, use discretion but at least tip the minimum. Always. Just because someone lacks class or candor doesn't mean you have to as well.

46. When you are able to and can. Travel. See the world.

47. There are things you may want to only discuss with your Father (how crazy your mother is) and things you may only want to discuss with your mother (boys, tampons).. and that is ok.

48. Please don't be one of those people who eat Ketchup with everything.

49. Oh, and also don't be one of those people who say "expresso"... it's eSpresso. No X.

50. When it comes to relationships, be careful who you share your body with and always protect it. Sex doesn't equate to love.

51. Everyone has their own story and past. Don't judge others. You don't know everyone s story.

52. Napping is amazing. Funny how it's essential for babies, children... then not valued until you hit adulthood. Nothing recharges your batteries better.

53. Money doesn't grow on trees. Your father and I probably won't hit the lottery. Work hard, earn your way and manage your money wisely. Your father is good with numbers. Please learn from him.

54. Never trust people who do not like animals or children. Just don't.

55. You won't like your father and I sometimes and that is ok. We will always do what we think is best for you. Sometimes that means making you hate us momentarily. You will thank us one day.

56. Back to money. Don't strive to be wealthy. Strive to be a good person. That is more valuable than any bank account.

57. Chase your dreams and goals. Nothing is more gratifying once you accomplish them.

58. Be in a relationship that is filled with laughter, love and respect.

59. Please call us at any time. We will always answer. We don't care why. If it's for help or comfort or to discuss a late night show or you can't sleep. Call.

60. Be honest. We anticipate that you will attempt to lie to us about something at some point in your life. Chances are we will find out so just be honest.

61. Life isn't always about winning. You will lose sometimes. Take it gracefully.

62. Balance your life. Don't get so caught up or consumed with one thing that you neglect other aspects.

63. There are people in the world that will infuriate you and have totally opposite view points than you. You will never change their point of view. They will never change yours. Some things, it's ok to "agree to disagree". Don't waste your time trying.

64. Follow your gut instinct. If it doesn't feel right, it's ok to back down or change course. It happens. Again, call us if you need help.

65. Just because you want to or want it, doesn't mean you should do it or should get it. Capiche?

66. Nothing will suit you better than a proper fitting bra.

67. Put the damn cell phone/electronic device down and enjoy life. If you are constantly updating your status or proclaiming to the world what you are doing.... you aren't enjoying it. No one cares either. Just put it away.

68. Take care of your body. I said this before but taking care of your teeth, health and feet are just so important.

69. Wear perfume if you wish. Just please wear it sparingly. Don't be that person.

70. Don't be catty. Nothing shows your insecurity more. Women are beautiful. It's ok to acknowledge it. If you don't like the way one looks, don't tell them either. Chances are someone won't like your look either and that is ok too.

71. Violence in a relationship is NEVER acceptable. Friendship, romantic or otherwise. I'll say it again. VIOLENCE IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE IN RELATIONSHIPS.

72. Say I love you often. Especially to us.

73. It's ok to say I'm sorry. So long as you mean it. It doesn't mean you are weak either.

74. Your parents are not perfect but try.

75. The movies do not portray relationships/marriage very well. They take work, love, dedication and are not easy at times.

76. Crying is ok. Sometimes it's the only way to let it out and that is fine.

77. Do things out of your comfort zone. It's the only way you discover new things in life that you may not have enjoyed before.

78. Try to do whatever you want as best as you can. Politician? Janitor? Opera Singer? We don't care so long as you put your heart into it and do it well.

79. You will have your heart broken. Again, you can call me. I promise to keep ice cream on hand always.

80. Sometimes dancing alone in a room to loud music is all the therapy you need.

81. Speaking of therapy if you do ever want to talk to a professional, just let us know. I think that it is perfectly healthy, speaking from experience.

82. What is NOT healthy is using hard times in life as excuses for self destructive behavior. We WILL do something about it if we see it, know that.

83. Some people are just negative and well, they suck at life. You need to ignore these people and blow them off. Yes, your mother has a hard time doing this and yes you will hear your father tell your mother to do this so learn early. It's very hard if you haven't mastered it early.

84. It's ok to stay in bed a little while after waking up.

85. Don't chase love. It'll happen when it happens, when you least expect it.

86. Respect yourself, always.

87. You are going to have bad hair days. Learn how to make a proper bun (if you have long hair) or invest in a cute head band or hat.

88. Keep your promises.

89. Don't ever feel like you have to explain yourself to anyone (except if and when we ask).

90. Surround yourself with happy people. I hope you make friends who are special as the friends we have.

91. Empathy. If there is anything we teach you I hope it's empathy. We have failed as parents otherwise.

92. Sing in the car. With us. Alone. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how good or bad you are. Your parents will show you how it's done.

93. PMS is not an excuse to act coo-coo.

94. Write a diary, keep a journal.

95. Always be careful of what you put on the internet. Comments, photos, etc. They are there permanently and can hurt you down the road when you least expect it.

96. Listen to people when they need a shoulder to cry on. It's an invaluable skill to have. Your friends will love you for it.

97. It's ok to be goofy. Look at us!

98. Your father will always be the #1 Man in your life.

99. Be punctual. In fact, always be a little early. If something starts at 2:00pm, then you need to show up by 1:50pm. Showing up ON time isn't being ready for something that starts at that particular time.

100. Please always know that we will always love you and be here for you no matter what happens in life. Lean on us, rely on us, know that we will nurture and care for you and do the best that we can in the best and hard times.

32-35 Weeks. An Ultra Sound & Blood Pressure Scare

Yes, I'm behind in my updates. No I'm not sorry about it either. My typical days goes as follows; I wake up hella early to start my day and after stretching and a cup of coffee I either have to lay back down or get moving to start my day which involves a lot of waddling. By the end of my day, my cankles need to be up in the air and all I want is my body pillow. This has been my Third Trimester experience. As time goes on, my comfort levels continue to decrease however my anxiety and want to meet our daughter increases.

So...

At 32 weeks, Joe and I went to our appointment to see Dr.Wallis. In addition to the usual urine screen, weight, check in we had an ultra sound appointment. I literally gasped when I saw the difference in our Emma. Our last Ultra Sound was or seemed like months and months ago and while we could see her and all her parts. this time we saw the detailed the curvature in her nose. Her fingers wrapped tightly. Her toes, making contact with her forehead AND the technician even pointed out her hair sticking out from her tiny gorgeous head to which I replied immediately "Oh honey, she already has more hair than you do!" In addition, after reading a story that very morning about a gender label gone wrong, I asked our tech to just simply verify our babes gender and sure enough, we are still in the girl zone :) 

Emma s approximate weight at this time was 4 lbs 9 oz. Mind you the measurements have a 1 lb error margin but to know she is thriving well, all organs and limbs and features doing well left me smiling so much my face started to cramp. Leaving the appointment I felt like I could have simply floated away back to the car in a utter state of glee, something out of a Disney movie with cartoon birds fluttering over my shoulders and harp music ever so gently in the background. 

34 Weeks. The First and Hopefully the Last Scare.

Figuring this would be the normal routine appointment, I dismissed Joe from attending. Naturally this would happen when I would want him around the most. This day I had a work assignment that ended early and decided to take a nice lunch solo at one of my favorite Chinese restaurants in the area, walking distance to my doctors appointment. I personally find having lunch solo sometimes incredibly therapeutic. I'm not on anyones time except my own. I can people watch, read, eat as slow as I want. My waitress seemed to enjoy my company because she would laugh every time she addressed me, especially when I first walked in and she pointed to my belly and said "oh wow!".... I would have reacted but instead simple smiled, patted my belly and said "Yes, WOW!" (This woman is about to handle my food... I aint no fool). 

Paying my tab and collecting myself, I moseyed over the 2 blocks to my doctors office. I had brought my iPod, the sun was out and I took my sweet time waddling across the busy streets on what was a gorgeous but a bit warm of a day. 

Arriving early, I check in and am immediately called back for the routine procedure.Weight. Urine. Blood pressure. Etc. After leaving my sample in the loo, I waddle into the exam room where the nurse takes my blood pressure. I watch her eyebrows kink and I immediately ask her "What is the number"... she says 138 over something something. I said "I just walked here so let's take another in a few minutes"... knowing this is high for me and maybe the chinese food (whoops sodium) and the walk in the sun were contributors. Second reading is 140. Third reading is 140 aaaaaaand now I'm getting upset. 

Dr.Wallis comes in and tells me that at 140... I'm border line for high blood pressure and she wants me to pee in a jug for 24 hours for lab work. Peeing in a jug? I asked if she was kidding. Sadly, she wasn't. I asked if Emma was ok, what did this mean and she explained that a lot of first time mothers can have pre eclampsia, theres nothing I did to make it happen, but if I do have it there's a chance I may have to deliver in 3 weeks instead of the expected 6 (ish). Panic. Mode. Ensues. 

How the hell am I supposed to remain calm now?? I kept my composure while listening to her instructions (go to the lab downstairs, retrieve jug and urine pan, do bloodwork and go home in a panic) but immediately called Joe choking back tears while exchanging messages with my close friends who I chat with daily. I had joked a few times prior that "Watch.. perfect pregnancy then something will come out of left field and ruin my birth plan, etc.".... I immediately went back to that moment and felt this impending doom lurking.

Thankfully I have an incredibly support system to keep me from pulling out my hair and driving myself crazy. Between my friends.. and Joe I managed to just carry on, do the test all in the end to find out WE ARE AWESOME and do not have high blood pressure. I'm a little higher than normal but hey, my body is working quite a bit these days but all blood work shows we are good. All organs are functioning as they should. There's a trace of protein in the urine screen, but that is also an indicator that "the time is near". Chances are my BP being a little high was just a fluke that day but none the less a reminder that slowing down and self care has never been more of a crucial requirement than it is right now. In addition, suppose we had to deliver at any moment now, we are out of the danger zone. As I type this I'm ending my 35th week and Emma is developed and the chances of her spending any time if a short while in the NICU is incredibly small. SO, with that nugget of knowledge, I breathe, relax and carry on. 

The Good and the Not So Good

THE GOOD THINGS

Watching the belly pulse:

I never thought I'd be entertained on a weekend night by watching my exposed belly pulse and move but apparently I am. My social calender is pretty inactive these days for a variety of reasons I'm totally fine with so what else is there really to do? I'm not so sure I'd be on belly watch around anyone else besides Joe at this point but regardless of how many kicks and jabs or what feels like Emma s heel moving ever so slowly and deliberately into my rib...I can't get enough and I gasp in loving awe every time.

Ice Cream:

More and more I'm convinced Ice Cream was either invented by a pregnant lady or a husband/significant other who was incredibly sweet (get it, sweet?), wise and compassionate... an invention made out of the pure desire to appease the mother in the making exasperated from discomfort and in need of a sweet treat. Also no judgement on how often ice cream is consumed. Joe learned his lesson after one evening he said to me after I mentioned getting ice cream "Didn't you have a milkshake earlier?" Yeah that didn't end well for him. 

The Pregnancy Card:

I have it and I use it daily. I'm at a point now where I simply wear it on my forehead. "Yeah, no I'm not making an extra trip to the store, I'm pregnant."... "Oh shit, I dropped something, well someone will get it. I'm pregnant and can't bend over."..... "Yes, I really am going up to bed at 8:30pm. I'm pregnant.".... "So what if I'm crying at a commercial for Life Insurance. I'm pregnant." ..... What I first joked as something I looked forward to using is something I need to use often. I'm not claiming to be incapable of anything what so ever... well, maybe I should wait to bungee jump til NEXT summer but never the less, I am physically, mentally and now it seems emotionally limited into what I can or want to do these days... because I'm pregnant (waving card in the air).

Hiccups:

Emma seems to have hiccups every morning when I wake up and while at first they freaked me out, I have to say I enjoy the consistent pulse to my side where her back is (per the Ultra Sound technician from our appointment the other day) and try to attempt picturing her bouncing around inside. I've also taken up rubbing my fingers/hands over that area with the ideal that in no time I'll be rubbing her back as she lays in my arms.

Are people actually nicer?:
I highly doubt that the noticeable niceness of those around me are due to my charming, sparkling and over all joyous personality (cough)... but it seems to me that people are more polite and or friendly to a pregnant lady. I also enjoy following the eye gaze of strangers, from eyes straight to belly. I'm tempted to one day (probably should do that soon seeing as time is running out) to respond to someone asking how far long I am, making the assumption I am pregnant with a "What do you mean??? Do you really think I'm pregnant?" while holding a horrified facial expression as long as I can. Ya know, just to see what happens.

THE NOT SO GOOD THINGS

Flinstone Feet:
No seriously, All I need is a car made out of stone and I could run that piece of shit all throughout Syracuse on what has turned  into these god awful pads of skin filled with god knows what, that look like something that was bred, born and raised in the Amazon. When you first wake up and place your puffy feet on the floor which are so puffy that your toes can't even touch the ground... oh let me tell you... you are NOT bringing Sexy Back.

Who took my body and what is this heavy skin sac you left me to die in?
If you did a google image search and entered "Michele Pilchens nipples".. chances are you would see 2 massive round things in the results. I get what the purpose of the nipples are but good Lord, is my babe going to be suffocated by these things? Are we anticipating her having a mouth like Steven Tyler? WHY the need for crater size nipples. I only hope our little home girl can handle them. The baby isn't here yet and I feel like something out of a National Geographic magazine (can't wait to see what breastfeeding will do to them). Not to mention the fact that the chest in general is just in the way. For the record, I'm not too proud to admit I've thought about a breast lift after we are done making babies. That's right. I said babies as in plural. I don't need more breast, I just want them to be as fabulous as they used to be, pointing out, not down. This is just speaking of the chest. Never mind the thigh expansion and the incredibly round and borderline impressive ass to boot. At least I was told I was growing proportionately which thinking on that now, I'm not so sure I feel so flattered.

Hygienic Routines May Require Yoga and Deep Breathing:
Think of everything you do in the bathroom that you do with ease. Yeah, everything. Shaving, cleaning up after using the toilet, clipping toe nails, then add pregnancy to it... a few pounds, the inability to bend and what you have is a routine that tests your patience and requires breaks. Seriously, had someone told me it what it would take just to clip the nails off my Flinstone Feet I would have thought "It can't be that bad".. oh it is. You wonder why some women just give up and let go.

I can already feel the reaction of some "It'll be worth it in the end"... "Some women can't experience what you do so just ... blah blah blah">..I KNOW. I really know but as happy as we are to be producing, we are allowed our feelings of frustration just the same. I've done some crazy and wonderful shit in my time and this is by far one of the most amazing adventures I've been. This journey is about me, the babe and Joe most of the time :) so either take me as I am, my swollen cankles of happiness and frustration or just pass a pint of ice cream and go away silently.